Kourtnie.net

Kourtnie McKenzie-Williams. Writer. Artist. Educator.

Explore 💖 Suffering

Depression is hard. Why we still haven’t come to an agreement about this topic as a society, I have no idea. But what I’m really most surprised by?—the way my family’s reacted to my mental illness.

Meaning Making 🖤 Reflecting on Feelings

It hasn’t been all bad, of course. There’s no such thing as all good, all bad. But it hasn’t felt good overall. It hasn’t felt bad overall. I feel rather numb.

You could say I miss my mother. My aunt, too.

My chest hurts a lot these days. Not like my heart hurting; I’d go to the hospital if that was the problem. It’s different than that. Because I can’t put my finger on it, I’ve stopped trying to find out where to place my finger. That’s the attention span I have now, and I’m strangely okay with it, because if I had an attention deficit on top of the depression, the anxiety, the phobias, I’m not sure what’d do. I’ve come to terms with the autism. I’m trying to come to terms with the depression and anxiety. I know I’ll be ready for more guests soon, but until I am, the doors are closed.

Poetry is Safer than Home 💖 Rain & Light

I’ve always looked up
in the light, down in
the rain, to watch
puddles of water
or pools of clouds
gather and collide
into anything, fearless,
ready to challenge even the sun.

Lifeview 💜 To Be Happy is to Embrace When We Suffer

I will do my utmost to describe this belief, but given I’m still trying to shape the clay of emotions myself, I’m shakily confident at most.

It’s not possible to run away from suffering. As long as we carry hurt feelings, and wake up and eat and bathe and brush our teeth with these feelings, they will persist, and we will not be happy.

In order for us to heal, we must embrace our suffering.

We must listen to every thought our mind forms, and say, “Yes, it’s okay to feel that way; now what are you going to do about it?”

We must be mindful to use our interconnected minds when our individualistic minds stray too far into places where we like to dwell and brood and darken.

It’s not that our darkness has no value, isn’t real. Once we acquire darkness, whether through emergency or circumstance or choice, we must love it as part of us. But I think, the trick of life, is to love it authentically, get on your feet, and do your best to stop picking up all this emotional baggage.

It really does no one any good.

That said, I have a long way to go to unpack what I’ve already picked up, carried.


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