Posted in Neurodiverse, Problems

When I Can’t Find Words

When I can’t find my words,โ€”when Chase can’t find his wordsโ€”it’s not so much that I think we suffer from selective mutism, as it makes me think about other disorders that may or may not share neurological processes with the mysteries I’m trying to solve about our brains… and that puts selective mutism on my radar.

Once Upon a Time ๐Ÿ’™ Finger Pointing

I babysat a child on the autism spectrum when I was a child. I was six to eight years older than himโ€”I don’t remember the age gap exactlyโ€”and I marveled at he dragged at everyone around the house, pointing when he wanted something. Yet I’d heard him talk. I knew he could. I knew, in just the right environment, he could string a sentence together. I also knew we shared a common developmental challenge, even it was manifesting in completely different ways, even if I’d have to wait another two decades for my diagnosis, even then.

Watching Right Now ๐Ÿ’œ Selective Mutism

I really do identify with a lot of this, although I still don’t think I have selective mutism; I just have autism, and through that lens, am feeling interconnected to the topic, recognizing patterns.

Quote Response ๐Ÿ’™ Similar, But Different

Here are the two parts that get me, @0:3:58:

Selective mutism comes from an intense internal anxiety which leads us to feeling like we actually cannot speak. We’ll want to, we’ll have so much to say, and we literally, physically cannot.

…and then again, @4:48:

It’s an inability to speak due to intense internal anxiety.

This describesย exactlyย how I feel when I’m having {tooltip}an autistic shutdown.{end-text}Not when I’m having a meltdown, mind you; if I’m angry, I only have one thought on my brain: HOW DO I CALM DOWN. WHAT IS IN MY WAY.{end-tool} When people talk to me, and I can’t reply, yet they can’t see I can’t reply, so they continue to ask the question, but in different ways, I moan to drown out the noise, because it makes the anxiety worse, and by the time the anxiety has multiplied with enough layers of intensity that I’m curled in a fetal position on the ground, my chest is tight as a rock, my throat is straining, I’m struggling to breathe, I cannot think in more than two or three words at a time, everything is vibrant with color, everything, my emotions and numbers and time and you and me, and my head hurts a lotโ€”like, a whole lot.

A few times, when I was having panic attacks at McLane, I grabbed a pen to write words down, as the bursts came to me, because I could not speak, even if my life depended on it, which in my darkest hours, it often felt like it did.

I am very grateful that facet of my depression has died down in severity, where I am happy again, yet I still feel like at any moment, the sky will fall; in this place, I know I can focus on my anxiety more, which means I know I can make it through the rest of the Great Filters that lie ahead.

Watching Right Now ๐Ÿ’œ Great Filter

I am really jazzed at this idea. I love exploring with the thought experiments around the Great Filters. It soothes me.
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Posted in Neurodiverse, Prelude

Explore ๐Ÿ’™ C.E.N. Treatment

I found a new DIY self-care project thanks to the video below. I’m not sure if it’d be a good DIY without at least a preliminary knowledge of psychology; but given I studied psychology for my first three years of college, I figure I got this.Famous last words.

Also, it’s not like prototyping a method for self-soothing is going to be harmful to an autistic person. Let’s be real here.

Watching Right Now ๐Ÿ’š Childhood Emotional Neglect

Listing ๐Ÿ’œ 7 Steps for Treatment

  1. Track your feelings;That’s what this blog is for;
  2. Describe the feeling;But don’t actually use the word for the feeling (the video has an example);
  3. Notice your needs;I struggle with defining this one because I feel like, no matter what, it’s too much;
  4. Practice self-care;This blog is also meant to track my progress in this category, thanks to the dashboard;
  5. List what makes you feel nurtured,This prompt scares the hell out of me… which is what I plan to do for my next post
  6. Accept help and support from others;UGHHHHHH
  7. Setting healthy boundaries.I can’t. I’m not allowed. That’s why I hide.

Watching Right Now โค Developmentally Arrested

But what happens when developmentally arresting traumas happen to someone with a developmental disorder? Because I connected with this video, then felt overwhelmed as soon as I considered the co-morbid complications.
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Posted in Intermissions, Neurodiverse

I ๐Ÿ’š Patterns

In the spirit of Autism Awareness Month, I’m going to continue exploring my experiences on the spectrum. If you appreciate reading about these experiences, make sure to visit my other blog, Cleo’s Autism Awareness.

Watching Right Nowย ๐Ÿ’š Patterns on the Brain

Patterns are information. Information is just a patterned arrangement of particles.

Says so in this video @2:30ish:

I often think about the wrinkles in my brain. I have this dream of pulling my brain out of my ear, then ironing out the wrinkles. I’m having deja vu about blogging the one-sentence synopsis of my brain-ironing dream.

Seriously though, the cuteness of this Carbon atom is criminal:


Hopefully it’s not planning to join a C-8 molecule, because that bedlam is in the top 10 explanations for why cancer is killing us all.

Listing ๐Ÿ’›40 Natural Patterns that Trigger Feelings

In a future blog post, or maybe as a 30-Day Instagram Challenge, I’m going to gather images of all these beautiful natural patterns…some of them, admittedly, are only half-natural, interacting with manmade things… that bring feelings to the surface.

These patterns may or may not trigger you, too; if you’re up for it, you can let me know which ones you agree with…and which ones I missed!… in the comments below.

  1. rings in water
  2. waves in the ocean
  3. leaves running downstream
  4. petals falling from blossoming trees
  5. bathwater spiraling into the drain
  6. palm trees bowing to El Nino
  7. the grooves in palm bark
  8. the ripples in windswept grass
  9. the dance of several bees in a bed of flowers
  10. the movement of sunlight on windowpanes
  11. the splatter of rain on windshields
  12. the laughter of birds at sunset
  13. the arrowheads of migrating ducks
  14. the rude yet choreographed honking of geese
  15. a bath bomb dissolving in water
  16. a scattering of clouds beneath the horizon of an airplane window
  17. the first time your heart breaks so hard, you sob yourself to sleep
  18. the crackling of lightning and thunder in the heart of Colorado
  19. time lapses of flowers that open and close only once a year
  20. the rhythmic inhale and exhale of meditation
  21. the shape of the Milky Way, when everything else is pitch dark
  22. the stripes of a tabby cat
  23. the rosettes of a Bengal cat
  24. the sound of a horse galloping towards you
  25. the aurora borealis, I can only assume
  26. the first time a child plays he-loves-me, he-loves-me-not
  27. the first time a toddler walks
  28. the first time a baby laughs until they snort
  29. the soft breeze, and the sweetly aromatic pages, of flipping through a new book, shuffling a new world, for the first time
  30. the broken record of thoughts I am always trying to break trying to break trying try
  31. the shape of coral reefs
  32. the shape of ant hills
  33. the movement of a golf ball that refuses to roll into the hole of an artificial ant hill
  34. Beethoven’s Symphony No. 5;
  35. a prism held up to sunlight;
  36. the prismatic performance of a disco ball;
  37. the collective sigh of a relieved audience;
  38. the skipping of a stone on pond water;
  39. the accumulation of wrinkles with age;
  40. the last few moments after your mother tucks you into bed, when she stands at the edge of the door, and light floods around her like a halo, like a golden mantle, like wings of ethereal light, and you think,ย No matter what, I’ll be fine, because this woman will protect me forever.
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