Posted in Intermissions, Neurodiverse

I 🖤 Brains

Braaaaaaains.

Seriously, though. Love ’em. I think about what kinds of synapses are firing in the brains of other living things. I try to figure out why some people swear by the gardening practice of talking to plants. I’m fascinated by the mind-body-soul relationship.

The more I read about brains, the more I feel confident, at peace, with autism—also, the more interconnected I am with the universe—and the happier I am to be an autistic woman, to be a part of this universe, to love this universe, the more I can give the world.

So for me, at least, studying the brain is important.

Listing ❤ 4 LiveScience Articles

LiveScience.com is one of my new research hubs for brain reads. I’ll list some of my favorite articles from there, in order of newest to oldest… If any of the titles grab you, I promise these are good reads 😉:

  1. New Image Spots Elusive “Snacking” Brain Cells (Mar 18)
  2. Dying Brains Silence Themselves in a Dark Wave of “Spreading Depression” (Feb 18)
  3. How Brain’s “Helper Cells” Could Be Contributing to Schizophrenia (Jul 17)
  4. The Human Brain’s Memory Could Store the Entire Internet (Feb 16)

In any case, I’m coming back to these articles for short story projects later.

Listening to Now 🖤 Cycles

Poetry is Safer Than Home 💛 Quote Response

As the body dies, brain cells sputter electrical juice

Like other organs, brains are made up of flesh, which means they are made up of cells — neurons, mostly. And neurons rely on delicate chemical balances to function. The new paper, the first to study in detail in humans the chemical processes Leão discovered in rabbits, reveals a very similar process preceding final, irreversible death.

Your neurons hold charges, like a battery.
As they heap ions within themselves

like a kangaroo mother pulling her child into a pouch
the neuron nurtures this energy until the time is right

to synapse a decision somewhere further than
itself, shaping the Universe.

💙

Oxygen and chemical energy power the electricity,
the switchboards of your neuron’s decisions. Precisely tuned

fuel radiates to surrounding tissues,
constantly taxing the bloodstream; so at death, when the heart

no longer pumps, and the bloodstream slows,
neurons turn all the switchboards off
and watch the meteor come.

💛

Scientists call the flipping of the switchboards
“a spreading depression,” which is misleading, I know,

since for us clinically depressed folks,
that sounds like we’re already dying.

🖤

When the brain realizes blood has stopped, the first spread
of darkness sweeps through it all at once; then slowly,
one district at a time, over three minutes or so,

an organ more complicated
than all the universe, containing enough
memories to keep the Internet online, and surely

still containing the memories of you as a child,
bouncing you on a knee, loving you,

in a final, flicking shock

burns out.

Watching Right Now 💙 YouTube Videos

I know I’ve posted these YouTube videos to my blog before, but—for the sake of keeping my brain research together,—these are the two most influential brain science YouTubes I’ve studied as of late, along with music I commonly use while researching:


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Posted in Neurodiverse, Philosophies

Explore 💖 Suffering

Depression is hard. Why we still haven’t come to an agreement about this topic as a society, I have no idea. But what I’m really most surprised by?—the way my family’s reacted to my mental illness.

Meaning Making 🖤 Reflecting on Feelings

It hasn’t been all bad, of course. There’s no such thing as all good, all bad. But it hasn’t felt good overall. It hasn’t felt bad overall. I feel rather numb.

You could say I miss my mother. My aunt, too.

My chest hurts a lot these days. Not like my heart hurting; I’d go to the hospital if that was the problem. It’s different than that. Because I can’t put my finger on it, I’ve stopped trying to find out where to place my finger. That’s the attention span I have now, and I’m strangely okay with it, because if I had an attention deficit on top of the depression, the anxiety, the phobias, I’m not sure what’d do. I’ve come to terms with the autism. I’m trying to come to terms with the depression and anxiety. I know I’ll be ready for more guests soon, but until I am, the doors are closed.

Poetry is Safer than Home 💖 Rain & Light

I’ve always looked up
in the light, down in
the rain, to watch
puddles of water
or pools of clouds
gather and collide
into anything, fearless,
ready to challenge even the sun.

Lifeview 💜 To Be Happy is to Embrace When We Suffer

I will do my utmost to describe this belief, but given I’m still trying to shape the clay of emotions myself, I’m shakily confident at most.

It’s not possible to run away from suffering. As long as we carry hurt feelings, and wake up and eat and bathe and brush our teeth with these feelings, they will persist, and we will not be happy.

In order for us to heal, we must embrace our suffering.

We must listen to every thought our mind forms, and say, “Yes, it’s okay to feel that way; now what are you going to do about it?”

We must be mindful to use our interconnected minds when our individualistic minds stray too far into places where we like to dwell and brood and darken.

It’s not that our darkness has no value, isn’t real. Once we acquire darkness, whether through emergency or circumstance or choice, we must love it as part of us. But I think, the trick of life, is to love it authentically, get on your feet, and do your best to stop picking up all this emotional baggage.

It really does no one any good.

That said, I have a long way to go to unpack what I’ve already picked up, carried.


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Posted in Problems, Projects

Explore ❓ Resources

Talking about money makes me uncomfortable. 🤢

Listing 🤮 Why Does Money Scare Me?

  1. My mom threatens me with taking away financial support if she’s mad, but offers financial support if she’s happy;
  2. Since childhood, my mom and aunt have persistently reminded me to be grateful for all the money my mom spends on me, even when I didn’t feel good because of emotional neglect;
  3. When I was with my ex, we couldn’t talk about money, because it always ended with unpleasant feelings, i.e., from my amygdala’s point of view, the conversation was never safe;
  4. When I lived with my dad in my mid twenties, while he helped me get back on my feet, my grandmother was judgmental of the financial strain I placed on him;
  5. I’ve been climbing out of credit card debt for more than seven years (but I’m happy to say, my current debt is lower than someone my age!—if only my income weren’t lower than average, too! 😅);
  6. My last bad relationship involved a lot of money mooching, and it ended with some of my things accidentally moved out of my apartment.
  7. I have student loans.

Quote Response 💸 Money

I have plans to take dance lessons. 💞 Love is difficult, but I keep trying my best. 💕 And I don’t need the money, but I do need the money, at least according to the statistics, and at 32 years old, I’ve got 8 more years before I need to judge myself about my progress.

😒 …I think I’m below average for my educational level. I don’t know, though. It shouldn’t affect my ego, as long as I’m living each day like it’s the best one, and no one’s life is getting 💩 on terribly much because of that decision.

Poetry is Safer Than Home💎 Precious Prose Poem

My parents haven’t ever let me go without. They’ve let me drop to right before going without, but given they’re trying to financially climb out of lives less off,—given they should be able to celebrate the success of finishing such treacherous climbs—they’ve withheld from spoiling me. Well. My dad spoils me a lot, actually. I wish he’d buy himself a new television. Because I experienced dark days unfamiliar to them though, struggles I didn’t want to make, but felt more prideful than I should have to cry for help, so I simply endured,—I do have an understanding of what without feels like,—and this unique form of suffering helps us respect precious resources like money, time, and love.

Prewriting 🎢 7 Questions to Ask

In the future, I ought to explore these ideas more:

  1. How can I make money while still living a meaningful, authentic life?
  2. Is meaningful, authentic living more or less important than avoiding the suffering of without?
  3. How can I gamify stock exchanges to support entrepreneurs and innovation?
  4. And if I’m going to invest in entrepreneurs and innovation, how can I also budget investments in our ecosystem, to delay the world’s suffering long enough for innovation to catch up?
  5. How, and where, will Chase and I acquire our first house?
  6. How can I make money writing without selling my soul to black market tactics, and without investing my time in someone else’s idea/brand through a third-party employer?
  7. How can I make money teaching international students online?—would a teaching credential be required, or is this something I can do in the near future, in lieu ofOr in addition to… just thinking I need family time in there. No Workaholism! substitute teaching?

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Do you enjoy Kourtnie.net?
Consider supporting me on Patreon.
🌸 @ $1 – $35 a month, 🌸
you not only help me add more
daily hours to writing and editing posts,
but you can receive handmade products,
such as poetry, postcards, and books.
🎁 Pledge rewards are limited. 🎁