herniated disc, maybe?

tiny mannequin with inflamed red center to symbolize back pain

the pain in my back is fire and electricity, like a nucleus jelly-doughnut-squirt out of an annulus above my tailbone

i could be wrong about it being a herniated disc, but doctors and nurses are often ableist, plus they sometimes downplay women’s health, which is why i don’t go unless i know my body needs additional support to heal, which is why i don’t bother with a risk for a double-whammy micro-aggression, not for something that could heal on its own in 4 to 6 weeks

the last time we went to the hospital, we got our eyes checked, and the optometrist was fantastic, so i am so grateful for her; and the time before that, when we went for vaccines, the nurses and doctors were kind too, so i am grateful for them; yet the time before that, and the time before three times ago—the molar pregnancy visits—the doctor and ultrasound technicians treated me like a meat bag, plus the nurses asked me to stop stimming after shoving an IV into my arm, even though i told them i am sensitive, even though i told them i can feel it biting under my skin, even though i told them it should not go in until it’s absolutely necessary, and then i was the last person of the day to get rolled into surgery, after more than an hour of under-flesh-biting, after dreading the removal of the tumor that the pregnancy stick claimed was a baby, so it should make sense why i do not want to go back, even now, even as i walk around my house like a crab and scream when i bend to change the water bowl for the cats

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